I've been home for almost a month from my London study abroad and I have to be honest, it's been a rough 3 weeks. Not necessarily because of life situations or anything within itself but because of the reverse culture shock I've been experiencing. That's weird for me to say since I was only in London for three weeks and I'm the kind of person to not like to over-exaggerate feelings. So let me explain a bit.
This was my first "abroad" trip if you don't consider taking a trip to Canada for a few days. I came back home and was all over the place. I didn't have time to relax and rest up like you could imagine or how I hoped. I came back hanging out with friends, getting ready for school and five days later, school started. With the jet lag, I was able to recover within two or three days- I was really thankful for that.
For the first week and a half I was gone, I was homesick. I wanted to go home so bad to my familiar place, my familiar friends, and my familiar culture. I use "my" intentionally. But then it got closer to our departure date home and I didn't want to leave this wonderful place. I realized I loved having something to do everyday and loved the new. This experience was incredible. And the people I was on the trip with were incredible. Especially on a trip like this, we weren't sure how our relationships would change when we got back home because of us shifting back into our familiar place.
So I came home and fell back into my original routine. My molted place in life I left when I left Washington.
I was dissatisfied. I didn't like going through the motions. But when I came home, I didn't realize I did that. I fell back into my pattern as if I didn't go to London. I came back changed.
New romantic relationships formed among friends over the summer and it was nice getting away from that in London. Don't get me wrong, I was SO happy for everyone and as long as they're happy, I'm happy. But at the same time I was thankful I was able to do "just Sarah" when I was gone. Getting out of the familiarity was something I desperately needed. I needed that time to find out more things about myself and be able to do things that I wanted to do. It's hard to explain but when you're with your close friends all the time, you start to mold together and become one person. When I left for London, I was able to be Sarah. It was refreshing.
Anyways school starts and I'm so wrapped up with seeing familiar faces and feeling nostalgia for the previous school year. Old friend here. Old friend there. New friends everywhere. It was fantastic.
After the new school year hype wore off, I started to feel "depressed". I use that term lightly because there are those who are clinically depressed and so I don't want to label myself with a serious condition. I came back and felt empty and I could not figure out why. After I was able to sit down and think was when I started feeling down.Only a few days ago was I able to pinpoint exactly why I was feeling the way I was. There are a couple reasons why.
1. As some of you may know, my parents are no longer in my life because of poor decisions they made. This has greatly affected me. Their absence may have happened years ago but, as a professor who was on the London trip told me because he has gone through similar things, the pain never goes away. Time may make it fade but it never stops bothering you. Which encouraged me, in a strange way, because he wasn't denying my feelings and wasn't diminishing the pain I sometimes feel. He was affirming the way I feel. It's times when I do a big thing where the absence of my parents greatly affect me. To reiterate how this trip came about that I wish my parents witnessed:
They didn't see my trip get fully funded because of donations or purchases of my bracelets I made.
They didn't see me in the process of writing donation letters because I wasn't sure how I was going to make the last couple thousand dollars when, in fact, the next day a check came in the mail for the amount of money I needed.
They didn't see me pack.
They didn't see me off at the airport.
They didn't kiss me goodbye.
They didn't even know about this trip.
2. When I left London, I left a piece of me there. I was changed in indescribable ways. God worked in me in ways I didn't know until I had a conversation with a couple a few days ago. It was almost an "aha", epiphany, moment when I realized that God did have a bigger purpose for me on that trip. It may have been just "study abroad" but God taught me the meaning of faith. There were questions I had for years but on the trip when those same questions were asked again, God spoke to me answering those questions. If I wasn't on that trip, I probably wouldn't have had those questions answered. So, a number of things happened there that couldn't have happened at home. I understand that now. Because of these things happening there, I left that there. I marked my place in that place and London has made its mark on me. I may not have gone for the purpose of a mission trip but it did change me. I witnessed a different culture for the first time and experienced newness.
3. I had no summer.
I worked 40 hours a week.
I worked straight from finals of spring quarter until august 31. That was tough.
I came back from London and 5 days later, school started. I haven't had time to catch my breath really. For me, this does a toll on me. In all technicalities, I've been on the go since spring break. That's a long time.
Now that I've been able to reflect and process everything that has happened in the past couple months, yesterday was the first day I actually felt myself. I even had friends noticing that I wasn't acting like my "usual" self. (But to be honest, I can't be expected to act the same way all the time so in turn it annoyed me knowing I was expected to act one way and if I didn't, it freaked people out. I'm still Sarah, just not the Sarah you want.) Now I feel myself and it feels great.
School has started and I've gotten in the routine of things. Trying to make my friends find time to hang out with me is difficult but I'm so thankful I have them around nonetheless. I'm thankful for this wonderful opportunity and I'm grateful for the support I received through this.
