There was an urge to update everyone on this quarter.
After study abroad, I came back to the states and expected too much out of my return. I was expecting fanfare and drastic changes in the familiarity that I left. Because I was surrounded with unknown and spontaneity in this fascinating new adventure I called England, I was hoping when I returned that things had changed.When I figured out things were still the same from when I left, I fell back into complacency. I hate that feeling. Being complacent is almost as if I'm settling with things and not wanting to change. I did want things to be different and I hate the feeling of complacency.
Many of you think that because I was only taking 2 courses this quarter because my study abroad rolled over to fall quarter that I had a really easy quarter. And in certain respects, I did. I was able to focus on my classes and try and focus on relationships. Unfortunately, everyone close to me has been preoccupied with their new acquired romantic relationships. I've been feeling lonely because I have felt that I've been glossed over and forgotten. With all this time I've had to mull over my self-pity and loathing feelings, I figured out that I can't not be who I was before. Although God changed me in ways I can't express or even convey to friends, I have to continue being that person God created me to be.
There are some people who rely on being cheered up by someone and typically, that person was me. Before I left, I remember being told that I "lit a room up when I walked in" and that I was always cheery which helped the day look brighter. Recently, a friend approached me and asked "Why have you been so grumpy lately?" It didn't hit me until this person asked me this that I've been slacking. Each person has their God-given gifts and mine is being able to encourage and help cheer up. Being that somebody to talk to. I've been slacking in this. While I've been trying to figure out my feelings and sort things out internally, I haven't been that person people can come to to talk to like before.
I've been closed off and bitter towards those who have found recent happiness or too busy to have one-on-one time. I've held grudges towards those who I felt haven't made time to be friends with me and those who haven't bothered to ask me how I'm doing. That part is always hard for me. People come to me and just expect me to want them to dump their problems on me but there are days where I can't handle it. I do have my own problems and would like someone to talk to about them without any judgement or glossed over remarks. I want someone to be able to recognize I need someone to talk to also. Like a therapist needing their own therapist who needs their own therapist. You get it. I have felt like I've been forgotten until someone needs to talk to me about something. I feel like I've been glossed over and taken advantage of. And no one really to express these feelings to. But I realized that it's not about me. It shouldn't be about me.
So, in these past couple weeks I've been fighting this new "Sarah" with the old Sarah and trying to intertwine qualities of both "Sarah's" to fit the needs of others.
In all of this, I wanted to apologize to those who have felt like they couldn't come to me as of late. I'm sorry for not being there for you and being held up in my own feelings to recognize your hurt.
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